The Battle Inside of Me

“Where is your generosity, Lord? Why did You do to me what You did to Job? Will I never have another chance in this life? Give me one more opportunity!”

He got up, opened the Bible at random, as he usually did when he was searching for an answer, and he came upon the passage during the Last Supper when Christ tells the traitor to hand Him over to the Roman soldiers looking for him. The priest spent hours thinking what he had just read: why did Jesus ask the traitor to commit a sin? “So that the scriptures would be fulfilled,” the wise men of the church would say. Even so, why was Jesus was asking someone to commit a sin and thus leading him to eternal damnation? Jesus would never do that; in truth, the traitor was merely a victim, as Jesus himself was. Evil had to manifest itself and fulfill its role, so that ultimately Good could prevail. If there was no betrayal, there could be no cross, the words of the Scriptures would not be fulfilled, and Jesus sacrifice could not serve as an example. “Evil needs to manifest itself, for them to understand the value of Good.”

quoted from Paulo Coelho’s “The Devil and Ms Prym”

The passage really struck me in the face, the same thing I did every time I’m searching for an answer and the same question that never ceases to fascinate me was asked “Why did Jesus ask Judas to do such a thing?” Although I did not totally agree with the answer suggested by the author but he successfully keep my heads up at the ceiling trying to contemplate the necessity of the situation. But one thing I learn, Evil needs to manifest itself, for me to understand the value of Good. For by nature I am evil but by the grace of God I became good. Deep inside my restless heart lays a waging battle between evil and good. I know I can’t flee from the enemy but I can resist it. I know I can’t resist temptation but I can flee from it. No matter how evil I am, the Blood of the Lamb is enough. Now the Light is slowly overshadowing the darkness that I was once where. Now I can confidently smile over temptations and circumstances that threaten my faith. It was all by the grace that God hath spread.

Keep the faith, no matter what. Fight the good fight, it is all worth it.

The Drama Behind Those Pretensions

I’m the melodrama type of person masking in hilarity and mirth. The type that find it easier to grin than explain to people who won’t understand anyway. You know, hiding an emotion is probably the habit that I mastered over the past few years. And trying to infect it on someone at least in this blog is very satisfying even if deep within me is struggling to hide the reality of it. Just call it plain personal diversion or my own version of tequila and nicotine.

As a middle child, I developed the nobody-cares-why-bother mentality, the its-your-lost-not-mine attitude. And if there’s a need to hide my disappointment the happy-mask is always ready in my backpack for it. Ready to play the masquerade that I so reluctantly made to make it looks like I was never affected. But things don’t always go as what they seem. Because the more I hide the more it becomes obvious. To make things even worst I become pretentious trying to be somebody that I’m not.

Last month I also learned something inevitable, something real, and something I need to chew over when my grandma died. I realized it’s hard to pull a smile when your face is pulling down. No mask can hide the melancholy of the tears that is flowing on my cheeks that time. No shame and pretensions can stop me from expressing what I feel inside. And when I woke up the next morning all I can remember were the tears and cries that wipes away those pretensions and turning it to something real.

No more happy-mask, no more melodrama, just a combination of it,haha.

Of Being Wise on "April Fool"

April will always be a special month for me. Boy, there’s a lot of reason for me to summarize in just one entry. And no, it’s not about the woofy goofy puppy love that until now I can’t get over with or any scrapbook worthy experience that I can remember. Neither April is my birth month since I was born one gloomy September afternoon. And it could never be an anniversary of something special since I am not married yet. Although April happens to be the month before my Mom’s birthday which I also consider special but then again it’s something deeper than that.

Incidentally, April was actually the month the world celebrate human foolishness. The “April Fool” month they called. The month I found out how foolish I am and then consider it a wise realization. The month I embrace new perspective and throw away the old one.

The month I consider special.

Okay, it is not what you’re thinking right now. And I’m no April fool or whatever. It’s the month I take Christianity on a whole new level. Consider it foolishness or something to that effect but that’s the way it is.

Hello, I’m not planning to follow Mother Teresa neither aiming for sainthood or whatever. I was just trying to live to its certain expectation. I’m not perfect I admit although I’m trying to be one and sin is still an issue that I’m having a hard time to understand.

April will always remind me of a new life and a new birth, of redemption and deliverance, of His unfailing love and abiding grace. And I will always believe, hope, trust and love because of Him.

Jealous Conversation

I love talking to my cousin through YM during my lazy Saturday afternoon or when I find it a sufficient excuse in not doing my laundry after my Sunday rituals. Yes you heard it right; I do my laundry most of the time. But I don’t want to talk about it. It’s my cousin’s amusing way of conversation. She just makes every boring topic a little interesting. We literally talk about almost everything from her boyfriend’s soiled blue-shirt to her hairy “askal” puppy. It seems every topic is worthy of an Oprah Winfrey show even if it doesn’t make any sense at all. Laughs!

Yesterday we had an interesting conversation turn argument that took almost two hours. This time it wasn’t about her “askal” puppy neither her boyfriend but it was something a little personal and quite alarming. It was about her cat’s jealousy to her puppy. By the way she has a 2-month old cat I teasingly called “hello-kitty”. She found the cat abandoned in front of their gate very dirty so she took care of it. It was so cute and cuddly at first but after few weeks it become so violent that it pushes her puppy away with its sharp fingernail. Maybe animals get jealous too, she told me. Huh? Why would they be jealous and why the hell you’re being bothered by that cat. Weather it’s jealous or not, animals are animals. They are freaking violent in nature, I told her. But she reacts purely absurd which I don’t dare retort back. However the conversation continues with a little argument, a little high-school biology and anything in between.

I remember my mom brought my cousin to our house when I was still in my short pant playing lego that hesitation slowly crawling up my face. Hesitation of something I don’t even understand that time. I felt uncertain the moment she arrive, uncertain of my mom’s attention that she might steal away from me. No, I don’t have attention-deficit-disorder and I was never a “ksp” when I was a child.

I was actually jealous.

As a jealous little brat, I acquired that it-is-all-about-me attitude, the kind that competes for everyone’s attention. The kind that behaves violently when being threatened and cry like a baby to emotionally sabotage someone’s affection.

I became her constant adversary and I made her life miserable. But the more I pushed her the more she gets my mom’s attention, the more I get jealous.

You see, jealousy can bring the worst out of us. We may not be like the cat showing up its sharp fingernail, but our ulterior motives reveals more than that. Unless we take the extra mile to think of others than ourselves; we will still be the same person the rest of our lives. It was so funny how a simple conversation could dig out my past and reminds me today on how to live my future.

Mga Saloobin Ng Isang Gamo Gamong Alipin

Pag minalas ka nga naman, dalawang pares ng kaliwang tsinelas ang sumalubong sayo sa bughaw na langit na umiiyak pakiwari may sinasabing may bukas na naghihintay. Napaisip at namulat sa walang hanggang kalyeng kelangang lakarin patungo sa gusaling bumubuhay sa aking kamalayan bilang manggagawa. Pero isang baso ng sandok at dalawang plato ng kutsara ang nag iwan sa aking kumukulong sikmura para talikuran ang realidad ng kahapon na nagbabadyang may unos pang darating. Kung ano man yun, may pagbabagong kelangan harapin at mga bagay na di maiiwasan para madatnan ang dapat kalagyan sa tamang oras at panahon.

Umaambon, umuulan, tila walang katapusan. Luntian na araw at basang mga dahon tila parang kelan lang. Walang tigil ang unos sa pusong pahapyaw na nasasaktan. Bat' ba to nagkaganito? ito ba ang buhay? bat kba' umiiyak? bat mo ba pinipilit abutin ang mga tala na pilit lumalayo sa'yo. Dapithapon na, unti unting nabubulag ang kapaligiran patungo sa natutulog na gabi, di man lang nakausap.

Ika tatlumpot pitong gabi ng nakatitig sa teleponong walang kable, naghihintay ng sagot. Tatlong araw at isang oras ang lumipas pa, hanggang kelan ba? O maghihintay p ba? Andyan ka p ba? Nauuhaw sa isang dipang balon'g ikaw ang nagbibigay ng liwanag. Para akong isang aninong di mo nakikita't di mo napapansin. parang hangin na pilit dumadampi sa iyong mga pisnging umiiwas. Gusto kung pumasok sa puso mong kinandado ng baluktot at makitid na pag iisip. Pano b kung wala ka? May umaga pa kaya? Di ko ata kaya mabuhay sa mundong di umaaraw ah.

Alipin ka man ng pagkakataon at nakagapos sa kahapon..

Wala ka ng magagawa kundi tanggapin ang kamalasang, minsa'y sumasabay sa ikot ng buhay kaya kanta ka na lang at sumabay,

'waitin tomorrow.. there's a blue sky'

I Kissed Adsense Goodbye

My constant effort to personalize my blog has reached to a higher level. I don’t know what will happen next but I believe there’s still evolution to come. Yesterday was just a regular Blogging day for me, the sun was beaming with inspiration and the wind blows every possible stressful aura there is. I prepare my laptop, compose my mind and check my blog. Wew, another inevitable has yet to come, the changing of my blog. Laughs! How many times will I apply Darwin’s theory of Evolution to it? I think it’s becoming a law already.

After series of insightful debate happening in my mind I finally decided to kiss my adsense goodbye. And before you smack me with your violent reaction let me explain first. I know most of us are mass/volume adsense follower in fact I’m still using adsense in my other blog and desperately milking it to the most of my capacity. But putting ads in a blog that screams naive to mature political opinion, personal views and random thought is the last thing that I would do. But I will still do it, haha. Anyway I still have adsense momentum waiting to happen in my other blog. I just leave this blog a private residence of my personal idiosyncrasies about life without the adsense.

What Went Wrong?

In my futile attempt to write a sensible and child-friendly article I end up not writing anything at all, for three days already. Not that there’s nothing news-worthy to write for a kid. It just that the world is going crazy even children nowadays are getting sick of thinking what is right from wrong. Al Gore in an interview with the British paper the Sun, said; "The Planet is in Destress and all of the attention is on Paris Hilton. We have to ask ourselves what is going on here"

It seems that entertainment is a necessity that we don’t give a damn on what’s more important. Violence are everywhere even at the comfort of our home. Some parents allow their kids to watch brutal scene on a PG tv or take part in a role-playing game that promotes nothing but hostility. I’m talking according to surveys, news articles and personal experience here. Nobody can blame anybody; as the world around us evolve we human goes as well. Inevitable? Duh, just plain personal irresponsibility associated with social enigma of adjustment.

Yesterday, the sun vividly shone inside my room that it woke me up turning my PC and go online. I took a sip of my freshly brewed coffee igniting my day for a new start when I saw the headline “kid accidentally pulls the trigger killing some kid”. I don’t want to spend the entire entry ranting about what went wrong. Rather I want to emphasize that we have to do something and ask ourselves what is going on.

My days are numbered!

It has been a month now since I first nursed this feeling of uncertainties with in me. I have been very unhappy and unsatisfied since then. I’ve been experiencing last-day-of-your-life syndrome usually acquired by cancer patients. Scary eh? I don’t have cancer but my days are numbered. As of this writing I only have ten days left to complete my thirty-day notice before I gracefully terminate my contract with the company I am working right now. It’s difficult but I believe I made the right decision.

Every waking day was like a bitter pill I need to swallow and everything just kind of took place behind my consciousness. It all started when I went home last Christmas and realized I need my sanity back from the stressful corporate jungle. I had my schedule squeezed to the point of regularly calling in for almost a week. And after few considerations I finally decided to resign from the job. I don’t know what in store for me but I just can’t resist bumming days. Laughs!

Reasonably irrational II

A friend of mine asked me if I'm excited tomorrow...I said 'no', actually, the one thing I feel about tomorrow is indifference. It's just me. I can't exactly recall any scrapbook-worthy experience that happened on the years that preceded. I dont know whats goin on in my mind this few weeks, i cant help myself but isolate. No blog-ups, no friendster, no yahoo, no nothin.

Im sorry I forgot to update you on mah being reasonably irrational--it is actually a perspective not a lifestyle that I nursed since I once read that book. But it help though, living without expecting from anyone nor pleasing anybody kinda liberate me to live life in all its fullness. Being reasonably irrational is being the person that God intends you to be, the world may direct you to live your life according to its standard but its a complete opposite towards what He intends you to be. Living without being pressured to follow the norms, goin with the flow or joining the crowd is what being 'reasonably irrational' is all about-I mean being irrational with a substance and a point.

Life is not all about here on earth, but after it. You decide! Read the Bible.
God bless us all!

Reasonably irrational!

Reasonably irrational? Is there such a statement? It is kinda contradictory and and ironic in the sense that both are polar to each other. But its true, the statement make sense.. and that is how i describe myself. Need to beleive it? You just have to spend 1 whole shift with me on the floor, and you will realize I am reasonably irrational..

On my next blog-up-i will explain to you how to become reasonably irrational-how to live without repressing yourself to follow the crowd and escaping yourself from a society that preconditioned your mind that possesion is synonymous to happiness and success.
Live and let live!--------->do ya really understand the statement?? If you dont, then you need to be reasonably irrational!

My Comfort Zone!

T'was gloomy afternoon when I arrived-Im talking about MSU my constant utopia of soulsearchin. The place is perfect for a wounded soul seeking refuge behind the quite breeze of an undisturb lakeview forest. I dont expect too much for a three weeks retreat here or what I can safely say bumming days, hehe. But one thing Im certain Im here to find myself and feel the breeze snatching my soul to return back to where I truly belong. Right now the sun permeates almost every follicle of my gloomy soul and slowly reviving it.

The Easy Way Out!

its awmost 2:27 pm, nothin much to think about but stare at the pc keepin my hand busy clicking wit no sense of purpose n direction-im just dead bored. there's a lot of things i wanna do but still accomplish nothin.. a lot of plans i laid but all fails. Im tired of senseless diversions just to let go of my frustrations but i dont know where and what to begin. Sometimes i cannot help but fool myself to beleive in stupid fates. I know it's stupid but sometimes stupidity make sense to me. If it will make me beleive and feel everythins alright, why not. But then again i dont wanna end up deceiving myself. So, i just make the most of what i have ryt now, i know life is hard and pretty boring for those people who want the easy way out. There's no easy way out if you want the best out of life.